


I'll Be Your Safety

by allyasavedtheday



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-02
Updated: 2013-04-02
Packaged: 2017-12-06 22:22:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/740808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyasavedtheday/pseuds/allyasavedtheday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“We really loved each other, didn’t we?”</p><p>“Of course we did.”</p><p>“It sucks that it never worked out.”</p><p>“Not many things do.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Be Your Safety

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna try to explain this as best as possible. So basically, Stiles and Derek were together and it was everything they wanted until it wasn't. They slowly found themselves falling out of love and they were helpless to stopping it. Not wanting to ruin their friendship forever, they parted amicably before Stiles left for New York for college. But then phone calls are missed and Stiles can't always make it home for the holidays so they lose touch. But three years on Derek goes to New York to clean out his and Laura's apartment and they bump into each other. And yeah, let's take it from there ;)
> 
> Title comes from Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran
> 
> As always, the characters are not mine :)

Derek feels an overwhelming sense of familiarity when he steps onto the bustling streets of New York City. It’s like he’s sixteen again - scared and distraught but like he can breathe again. It feels a little different now though. Now he’s content with his life, happy even, but there’s still that feeling of breathing a little easier.

He's already dropped his bag off at the apartment. He knows why he’s here but he needs a little bit of time before he starts packing up six years of his life.

He's always liked the anonymity of New York. No one here had ever looked at him with pity, or worse; with fear. Of course things were better now back home. People would actually smile at him on the streets, not run the other way.

Still, New York is a nice change. He’s trying to retrace his steps to see if he can find the old coffee shop he used to love when some kid with a messenger bag who’s yelling down his phone rams into him.

“Charlie I said I’m almost there! Would you just calm- Oh shit! I’m so sorry man! I-“

Derek freezes when he realises he knows the voice. Slowly, his eyes meet Stiles’ and he sees the shock on the other boy’s face.

“Charlie, I’ll call you back,” he says absently into the phone and he drops his hand from his ear.

“ _Derek?_ ” he finally asks incredulously.

 “Stiles,” Derek says in return, expression carefully blank. The first thing Derek thinks is that he smells different. Which is ludicrous because it’s not like Derek was actually  _trying_  to smell him but still, it’s different and he doesn’t really know how to feel about that.

“What are you doing here? Did something happen? Is everyone okay?!” Trust Stiles to immediately assume the worst.

“Everyone’s fine.” he assures. “I’m actually here to clean out the apartment Laura and I lived in. The landlord wants to sell it. Says he’s sick of our crap gathering dust while no one’s living there,” he shrugs it off like it doesn’t hurt him to say out loud.

There’s a moment where Stiles’ eyes flash and he sees the fierce protectiveness that always clouds Stiles’ judgement. But it’s gone as quickly as it comes.

They hover awkwardly for a minute until Stiles’ phone starts ringing again. He shuts it off with annoyance and gives Derek a half smile. ”Oh. Well, I suppose I better let you get to that. I’ve gotta run to work anyway.”

Derek nods and hates that he feels so disappointed. “Yeah, see you.”

Stiles is already walking away but just as Derek starts to move again he hears his name being called.

“Hey Derek!”

He whirls around and sees Stiles jogging up to him. “Do you wanna maybe get a drink later? Or coffee? Or go for a walk? Or  _something_ _?”_

He can hear the hopefulness in Stiles’ voice mixed with something else. Something like a combination of fondness and confidence.

He’s caught off guard initially but he feels his face relax into a smile. “Yeah, sure,” Derek replies and in his voice, he thinks he hears the same thing he heard in Stiles’.

Stiles still looks visibly relieved that he’s agreed though and he quirks a lopsided smile. “Great. Still got the same number?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll text you then!” And then he’s walking off - backwards - and smiling at Derek like he’s just made his day. 

Maybe he has.

*

Derek arrives at the bar where he supposed to meet Stiles five minutes early only to see that Stiles is already there, sitting at the bar with a bottle of beer. As if sensing he’s being watched, he looks up and smiles at Derek.

Derek makes his way over, takes his seat next to Stiles and orders a drink before he really says anything. It’s a little awkward at first, neither of them are really sure what to say but as the night passes and the crowd thins they find themselves talking about everything and anything.

*

“How do you like being Deputy Hale?”

“It figures that as soon as I get a job with the law enforcement that Beacon Hills goes dormant again.”

“Bored, are you?” Stiles laughs.

“No. I actually like not having a near death experience every week.”

*

“You like your major?”

“Yeah, I never really saw myself getting into journalism but it’s awesome. And it’s nice to put my research skills to good use.”

“You mean you like not researching something that could get you killed.”

“Basically.”

*

“Is my dad okay? Like,  _really_  okay? Are you making sure he doesn’t eat too much fast food?”

“He’s fine Stiles.”

*

“We really loved each other, didn’t we?”

“Of course we did.”

“It sucks that it never worked out.”

“Not many things do.”

*

“I’m sorry I don’t visit more often.”

“I’m sorry I stopped calling.”

*

“I never blamed you. I never hated you.”

“It was nobody’s fault, Stiles.”

*

“…I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

*

“I had fun tonight.” They’re idling on the street corner outside the bar. Stiles’ hands are stuffed in his coat pocket and his cheeks are flushed from the alcohol but he looks happy, like he doesn’t want to leave Derek just yet.

“Me too. It was nice catching up with you.” Derek knows he sounds weirdly formal but the way they just opened up to each other makes him feel more exposed than he has in a long time.

Stiles hums in agreement and looks thoughtful, a smile playing on his lips, but he doesn’t say anything. It seems like he’s waiting for something. Not that Derek has a clue as to what that might be.

“Well,” Stiles finally sighs dramatically, “I should get home. Don’t be a stranger Derek.”

Derek watches Stiles retreating figure as he thinks about going back to his apartment. He was so relieved when Stiles had texted because it meant he hadn’t had to stay at home with his ghosts. The thought of going there now was daunting. There was a reason Derek had put this off as long as he had.

Stiles is almost around the corner when Derek calls him and he regrets it instantly as Stiles turns around with expectant eyes.

“I…uh, never mind,” Derek says lamely and then Stiles is rolling his eyes and calling out to him. 

“My apartment’s three blocks away. Come on.”

Derek catches up to him, not even trying to hide the shock on his face. “How did you know?”

“Because I know you,” Stiles laughs like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I know it’s been a long time since we were together but I remember our conversations. I remember how scared you were to come back to New York. I doubt that’s changed?” he asks but Derek knows he’s not expecting a reply.

“Stay with me tonight. Get your bearings. Then tomorrow I’ll come with you and help out.”

“Oh you don’t have to-” Derek begins to object but Stiles talks over him.

“I know I don’t have to but I want to.”

It’s been five years since he and Stiles met and he still hasn’t come up with a word to describe how he feels when Stiles goes out of way to be there for him.

*

“You’re lucky I have a spare room because I would so not be sleeping on the couch for you,” Stiles says while he fishes in his pocket for his keys.

“Why d’you have a spare room?” Derek asks conversationally.

“I had a roommate and he had a girlfriend. They moved into together when the college semester ended,” Stiles answers simply.

Derek wants to ask if Stiles is seeing someone. It was pretty much the only thing they  _hadn’t_  discussed back at the bar but the topic feels off limits.

Stiles’ apartment is like him. It’s a neat kind of messy, it looks lived in and comfortable. Stiles drops his keys on the table next to the door and shrugs his coat off once they’re inside.

It’s strange how Stiles can look the same and yet completely different. Derek’s used to the hair; Stiles grew it out after a stint in hospital the summer of his junior year meant he couldn’t shave it for a couple of weeks. Lydia had threatened him with penalty of death if he ever shaved it again. He hadn’t done so since.

He still wears the same kind of clothes but they fit him better now. Stiles has grown into himself; he was never particularly lanky but now it’s clear he’s lithe. Derek had seen the way his muscles had strained against his flannel when he was leaning on his elbows at the bar.

The strangest thing is the way Stiles walks now. He’s not flaily anymore, he seems comfortable and confident. It’s a little odd but Derek thinks it’s a good thing because he looks sure of himself in a way he didn’t before.

“Okay, kitchen is there obviously,” Stiles gestures to the sectioned off kitchen area. “Your room’s through there, bathroom’s over there. You wanna borrow a pair of sweats?”

“Uh no, it’s fine,” Derek says awkwardly. This feels too couple-y, too familiar. But the worst thing is that he likes it. He wants this.

“Come on! I’m not as skinny as I used to be and we’re basically the same height. They’ll totally fit.” Stiles doesn’t wait for an answer and disappears into his room, returning a second later with a pair of grey sweatpants.

Derek takes them and heads for the bathroom because he has no idea what the hell else he’s supposed to do. How can he feel so awkward and so at ease with Stiles at the same time? 

The pants fit perfectly so Derek thinks they’re probably the teeniest bit bigger on Stiles. When he exits the bathroom, his leather jacket and jeans over his arm, he sees Stiles tearing cushions off the couch wearing nothing but low slung pyjama pants. 

He swallows and tries to stop his eyes from raking down Stiles’ torso. He fails miserably. Stiles looks up after a second and Derek tries to avert his gaze.

“See! I told you they’d fit,” he says happily and then he goes back to rifling through the living room.

“Aha!” Stiles crows triumphantly after a minute. He pulls a t-shirt out from underneath a cushion and shrugs it over his head. Derek’s never been so happy for Stiles to put on a shirt in his entire life.

But then he actually notices the t-shirt and scoffs, trying to hide a laugh.

“Don’t you dare!” Stiles warns. “I love this shirt!”

“Stud muffin? Stiles, it’s been years! You seriously still have it?” Derek asks incredulously.

“It’s my sleepy shirt, don’t judge,” Stiles huffs crossing his arms. The shirt doesn’t hang loose the way it used to but instead stretches across his chest. And Derek really needs to stop thinking about these things. Like, right now.

“Whatever,” he says gruffly, “Goodnight Stiles.” 

“Goodnight Derek!” Stiles singsongs, “Sweet dreams.”

*

Derek wakes up to the smell of pancakes. He stumbles from his bedroom and sees a stack of them sitting on the breakfast bar with a post-it note, informing him that Stiles is in the shower and that Derek can eat as many pancakes as he likes as long as he saves him one.

Not one to deny himself free food, he decides to eat up - though he is a bit cautious, considering what he remembers of Stiles’ cooking wasn’t that great. But he’s starving and the pancakes taste like heaven on earth so he assumes Stiles learned to cook along the way.

Stiles comes out of the bathroom about five minutes later in nothing but a towel and seriously, is he doing this on purpose?

He comes up behind Derek and snatches a pancake off the plate. Derek is so distracted, he lets him. 

“Let me just get dressed and we can head to your apartment,” Stiles calls over his shoulder as he heads for his bedroom.

 _Yes_ , Derek thinks,  _put some clothes on and stop driving me insane._

_*_

Derek’s apartment feels like a shrine, perfectly preserved with a thin film of dust over most of the surfaces. Stiles looks around with guarded curiosity but Derek knows he’s dying to go snooping. He finds he doesn’t mind like he would with anyone else.

He hadn’t touched the place when he left initially; all he’d known was that Laura hadn’t come back when she said she would and he felt like his soul had been ripped apart and he needed to know why.

He lets Stiles start on the kitchen and he goes to pack up Laura’s room to get it out of the way.

Her scent overwhelms him as soon as he’s through the door and he resists the urge to run far, far away. He makes it to her desk before he gives up. The photo frame’s still there. He made one out of pasta when he was seven and gave it to her as a present for her birthday. She was devastated when it was destroyed in the fire so when he was seventeen and at a loss as to how to make his sister smile again, he went to the store, bought a packet of pasta and spent a night locked in his room remaking the frame. The picture that was in there now was of them on Derek’s twenty-first birthday, a year before she died.  

She has her arm around him so she can smush their cheeks together and it’s obvious they’re both laughing - Laura, at his expense and him, at his sister’s ridiculousness.

He’s holding the frame so tight a bit of the pasta cracks. He feels his eyes burn and it’s _so stupid_  because it’s just a frame, it doesn’t matter if it breaks. But it’s Laura’s frame. That he made for her and now he’s made it less perfect than it was. And why does everything he touch break?

He’s not sure how much time passes but Stiles eventually finds him sitting on the floor against Laura’s bed, still clutching the photograph. He sits down carefully next to Derek trying to give him space. Slowly, Stiles places a hand on Derek’s shoulder; a comforting weight to remind him he’s here, that Derek’s not alone.

“I’m gonna stay with you tonight,” Stiles says quietly and there’s no room for discussion.

Derek just nods.

“She’s beautiful.” Stiles smiles at the picture but doesn’t try to touch it.

Derek can only nod again.

*

Stiles leaves to get a change of clothes and pick up some dinner. Derek makes up the couch for him because he can’t let him stay in Laura’s room. He just can’t.

When Stiles comes back he sets his stuff on the couch like he expected it. Derek is forever grateful for the way Stiles always seems to understand.

*

Derek hates this apartment. Hates it so much. Because this is where he was happy and Laura was happy. But it was also where he was heartbroken and fucked up and Laura was heartbroken and fucked up. But mostly, it was the last place where he was alive and Laura was alive.

He’s not really sure when he starts crying but he can feel the tears streaming steadily down his cheeks. It’s been nearly six years since Laura was here and it still smells so much like her and it’s not  _fair._

He doesn’t hear Stiles pad into the room until he bangs his foot off the corner of the bed and curses. Derek looks up in surprise and wipes his eyes hastily, though he knows Stiles can’t see him in the dark.

“Stiles, what are you-” his voice sounds thick with tears and he hates it.

“You’re not as quiet as you think you are,” Stiles says simply. ”Move over.”

“Wha-” But Stiles is already scooting his way under the covers so Derek slides over obligingly.

Then Derek’s being pulled into Stiles’ arms and is too shocked to do anything other than just let himself be guided into their warmth. 

“Don’t you dare play the big bad alpha card on me,” Stiles warns but his voice is so soft Derek thinks it’s not much of a threat. 

“Sometimes people need hugs, Derek. No matter how strong they are.”

Derek swallows but he doesn’t say anything. Stiles is lying flat on his back and Derek’s head is resting just over his heart so he can feel its steady thump. And Derek knows for a fact that Stiles did that on purpose but he doesn’t care. Because Stiles is carding his fingers through his hair and when Derek finally lets his arm snake around his middle, Stiles tangles their fingers together.

They’re quiet for so long Derek almost falls asleep listening to Stiles’ heartbeat and calming breaths but eventually he whispers a question because it’s been niggling at him since he saw Stiles yesterday.

“Why is this so easy?”

Stiles’ hand momentarily pauses in stroking Derek’s hair but he resumes a moment later. “…Maybe because we already know what could happen? Maybe we’re not scared anymore?” he suggests quietly.

Derek thinks about that for a while. How the fear of the unknown would’ve stopped them before. Maybe make them shy away from each other or constantly ask, “is this okay?” But they know now. They know what one another need and they know how to be that for each other.

“I don’t do this, you know.”

“Hmm?” Stiles hums sleepily.

“Let people see me like this. No matter how much things have changed. No matter how much  _I’ve_  changed. I still don’t really let people see me vulnerable.”

“Why am I the exception?” There’s a hint of amusement in Stiles’ voice, like he already know the answer.

Derek knows it too.

“You feel safe.=,” he whispers and then he’s closing his eyes and letting sleep draw him in because Stiles is warm and he’s here and he feels like home. And that’s what Derek wants to fall asleep to.

So, he couldn’t have known that when Stiles hears his breathing even out he whispers, “You feel safe too.”

*

When he wakes up he knows immediately that Stiles isn’t asleep, if the spike in his heartbeat is anything to go by. Derek’s head is still resting on his chest.

“Stiles, I know you’re awake,” he mumbles, voice addled with sleep.

Stiles grumbles something about, “stupid werewolf hearing,” but doesn’t try to move.

“I think I want to stay here for a while,” Derek mentions after a few moments.

He feels Stiles chest rumble underneath him as he chuckles. “Don’t worry, Derek, I’m not going to push you off me.”

“No,” Derek leans up on his elbows to look at Stiles. “I mean stay in New York for a while,” he clarifies.

Stiles’ eyes widen almost imperceptibly but Derek notices. He always notices. “Then stay. I could use some company,” Stiles responds.

“I have to call Scott and tell him to look after pack stuff and call your dad for time off.”

“You call Scott, I’ll call my dad.” Stiles reaches over to the bedside table and hands Derek his phone. Then Stiles is slipping out from underneath him and wandering into the living room.

Derek dials Scott’s number, eyeing the clock to make sure he’ll actually be awake.

“Hello?”

“Hey Scott, it’s me.”

“Derek? How’s New York? Everything…okay?” Scott sounds a little worried and Derek still isn’t used to knowing that Scott cares about him.

“Yeah, listen, I think I’m gonna stay here for a while. Can you look after the pack while I’m gone?”

There’s silence from the other end of the line for a long time before Scott speaks. “…You’re with Stiles, aren’t you?”

How the hell does he know that? “What? No!”

“Derek, I’m not even there and I know you’re lying. It’s cool, man. If you guys wanna catch up, I can look after stuff here.”

“Scott, that’s not-“

“Yeah, yeah. Just let me know when you’re coming home. Oh, and say hi to Stiles for me.” And then he’s gone. Derek blinks at his phone before shrugging and dropping it on the bed.

He can hear Stiles on the phone in the other room. “Dad, he’s fine! …Oh my God, we’re not back together! …He just wants to stay here for a while, I just happen to be the only person he knows…Yeah, I know. Dad, I  _know_! …Thank you. Yeah, I’ll get him to call you…Okay, I love you too. Bye.”

Derek could vaguely hear the Sheriff’s end of the conversation but he‘s pretty sure that even if he couldn’t he’d know what he was saying.

Stiles ambles back into the room and chucks his phone down next to Derek’s. “Well, I’m assuming you heard all that but in case you didn’t, you’re on leave from the police force indefinitely,” Stiles grins.

“Scott says hi,” he says by way of answer.

Stiles lets out a startled laugh. “Our family think they know everything, don’t they?

Derek nods and pointedly ignores the way his heart speeds up when Stiles says, “our family.”

“So how’s the two Alphas thing working out?” Stiles asks casually, flopping back down onto the bed.

“The ‘two Alphas thing’ has been a thing since you before you went to college, Stiles. Nothing’s changed,” Derek reminds.

“I know. But I still get curious about it! No struggles for power or anything?”

“We’re a pack. All of us. The fact that both Scott and I are Alphas just means that when it comes down to it, my first responsibility is Erica, Isaac, Boyd and Jackson and Scott’s is you, Allison, Lydia and Danny.”

“So Scott gets the geniuses and you get the Abercrombie models. Seems fair,” Stiles teases.

Derek rolls his eyes. “At least we never have to worry about your ego.”

“I’m just stating the facts here Derek. Not my fault I’m awesome. Now, let’s get breakfast because I’m  _starved._ ”

*

They go a few days without seeing each other because the weekend ends and Stiles has to get back to work and it seems he wasn’t exaggerating when he told his dad he’s run off his feet.

But Stiles texts Derek when he’s systematically removing dust from every surface of the apartment and asks to meet for coffee so he gets changed and is out the door within ten minutes.

Stiles is already at the coffee shop when he arrives and he has two drinks on the table in front of him. “I didn’t know what you wanted but I took a guess and figured you still have the same coffee order,” Stiles says a little sheepishly.

“Good guess,” Derek remarks, taking the seat across from Stiles.

“You’re boring and hate change,” Stiles shrugs, a sly grin on his face.

Derek huffs a laugh, “And you’re full of compliments.”

“Of course,” Stiles gives him a dazzling smile. “I wasn’t sure if you were gonna show up…”

“Why wouldn’t I show up?” Derek asks, brow furrowing in confusion.

“Well because usually when you open up to someone you avoid them like the plague until they confront you.” 

It kind of brings him up short because Stiles has a point and Derek knows he’s remembering all those times before they got together where he’d let Stiles in only to push him away the next day.

“Yeah…but it’s you, Stiles,” he says simply.

Stiles doesn’t say anything to that but he smiles whenever he thinks Derek’s not looking.

*

Things sort of fall into place after that. When Stiles is at work, Derek tries to make himself comfortable in his home again. He times himself to see how long he can last in Laura’s room without getting upset - so far it’s six minutes and three seconds.

But when Stiles isn’t at work they hang out and watch movies and talk for hours. Derek thought they’d caught up on everything the first night but apparently there’s no limit to the amount of things he’s willing to share with Stiles.

It’s easy and it’s nice and Derek hates that his mind is ruining it because all he can think about is how he wants more. He wants Stiles. All of him, for as long as he’ll let him. But right now, he’s taking what he can get.

*

“Scary movies totally lose their appeal when you basically lived one for the majority of your teenage years,” Stiles comments. He’s sprawled over Derek on the couch and has his hands scrunched up in Derek’s t-shirt, curled into his warmth. Derek would say something about it but he’s afraid Stiles will move away.

Derek hums in agreement, “Personally, I prefer when we watch horror movies and spend most of the time pointing out all the inaccuracies”

“I miss pack movie night,” Stiles says wistfully.

“We’ll have one the next time you visit,” Derek promises.

“It usually just means we’ll end up in a puppy pile though.” 

“That’s not even a pack thing, you guys are just clingy,” Derek scoffs and he can feel Stiles laugh against him.

“Like right now,” Derek adds, tightening his arm around Stiles for emphasis.

Stiles makes a non-committal noise. “Shut up, you’re warm.” 

A few minutes pass before Stiles speaks up again. “Remember that time we watched “The Fox and The Hound” and Scott cried?”

“And then you cried because he said that your friendship reminded him of Copper and Todd,” Derek reminds him.

“And Allison, Lydia, Erica and Isaac didn’t even try to hide the fact they were tearing up.”

“And Boyd rolled his eyes but held Erica anyway.”

“And Jackson tried to pretend like he didn’t care but he was totally wiping his eyes when he thought no one was looking.” 

Derek huffs a laugh at the thought. “And Danny looked like he was questioning all his life choices.”

Stiles chuckles. “And you held my hand and thought I wouldn’t notice,” he adds softly.

“You were sad!” Derek protests and he can see Stiles’ eyes twinkling with amusement. “Shut up, Stiles,” he grumbles.

“Didn’t say anything,” Stiles mumbles, a smile evident in his voice. “I liked holding your hand…I know I’m supposed to think it was stupid and cheesy and girly but it was nice.” He reaches over Derek’s chest and tangles their hands together. “I liked it.”

Derek doesn’t know what to say at first because Stiles is watching him, like he’s waiting for a reaction. But then Stiles puts his head on his shoulder again and redirects his attention to the TV so he murmurs, “So did I.”

*

At the end of the night, Derek reluctantly disentangles himself from Stiles and gets ready to leave.

“Goodnight Derek,” Stiles smiles sleepily, leaning against the doorway.

“Night Stiles.” And then Derek’s leaning forward and pressing his lips to Stiles’ because for some reason he thinks this is three years ago and this is something they do.

He jerks back almost immediately trying to stammer out an apology. Stiles’ eyes are wide and his lips are slightly parted like he can’t believe that just happened. Derek can’t either, honestly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean- I…I forgot.”

The tiniest grin creeps onto Stiles’ face at that. He lets Derek sweat for about ten more seconds before he’s bunching the front of his shirt in his hands and using it to reel Derek in and crush their lips together.

Stiles pulls until they’ve shuffled the few steps back into the apartment and Derek manages to kick the door shut with his foot. Somehow they make it to the bedroom without any casualties and somewhere along the way clothes were torn off.

It’s not some big momentous moment. And that’s why it’s perfect. If anything, it feels like nothing’s changed. Like the past three years didn’t happen and they’re still together. Because Stiles still laughs against his lips for no apparent reason. And when Derek is trailing kisses up and down Stiles’ neck, he still ends up biting his shoulder trying not to laugh because Stiles is an asshole and thinks sex is the most appropriate time to try to tickle someone. And when it’s over he can feel Stiles’ smiling against the skin of his chest and his eyelashes fluttering and it’s still the best feeling in the world.

But most of all, the familiar weight of Stiles sprawled across him instead of the blanket is what makes Derek’s heart speed up. Because Derek never thought he’d get to experience that feeling again. That feeling of being wrapped up in someone else’s warmth like they make you whole again.

*

_Stiles makes a frustrated noise in the back of his throat and scrubs his eyes furiously._

_“Stiles,” Derek tries to coax him into his arms but he pulls away._

_“This isn’t fair!” Stiles snaps, combing his fingers through his hair._

_“I know,” Derek replies quietly with the sort of resignation that says they’ve had this conversation dozens of time in the last month._

_“I love you,” Stiles says and Derek can hear the tears in his voice. It’s enough to make his resolve crack. Just a little bit._

_He meets Stiles’ eyes and sees them shining and devastated. Derek doesn’t know what he looks like but probably much the same. He tries again to pull Stiles close and this time he comes willingly._

_“I love you too,” he murmurs against the skin of Stiles’ forehead. “And you know I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you but we both know that won’t happen.”_

_“I wanna be with you. I was_ **_supposed to be with you_ ** _!” Stiles protests and Derek is sure he’s crying now._

_“We don’t love each other the way we used to.”_

_“But-“_

_“Stiles, if we ended up cheating on each other or resenting each other because we couldn’t admit there was a problem, I’d never forgive myself.”_

_“I’d never cheat on you.”_

_“You don’t know that. And neither do I. It’s not supposed to feel like this and you know it.” Derek can’t look in his eyes when he’s speaking because he knows he’ll change his mind. But he also knows he’s right about this._

_“I really wanted you to be it for me,” Stiles whispers, his fingers absently tracing circles on the nape of Derek’s neck._

_“So did I.”_

_*_

Sometimes Derek can’t help it. He thinks of his past relationship with Stiles. Losing Stiles was a pain he never really knew he could feel. It was different to the obvious heartache and guilt he felt from losing his family.

Losing Stiles was awful because it wasn’t his fault and he knew that. But it wasn’t Stiles’ fault either. They just stopped loving each other and sometimes that happened. 

But he feels himself falling again. Falling so fast he really doesn’t have time to think about consequences because he’s already too far gone. Be he is scared in case the same thing happens again because he doesn’t think he can handle losing Stiles a second time.

The boy in question seems to realise Derek’s thoughts are elsewhere because he gently shoves Derek leg with his foot.

“What’re you thinking about?”

“You,” Derek answers honestly. He keeps forgetting that Stiles knows him better than everyone else because Stiles puts his laptop on the floor and crawls into Derek’s lap, looking him square in the eyes. 

“Well, stop,” he says seriously.

“Why?”

“Because you’re not just thinking about me, you’re thinking about when we broke up and I’m telling you stop.”

“But-“

“No. This is our do-over and as far as I’m concerned we can do whatever we want.” He kisses Derek lightly and pulls back just enough to lean his forehead against Derek’s. “We’re gonna be fine Derek. Stop worrying.”

*

And they _are_ fine. It’s actually ridiculous just how fine they are. They have their own sides of the bed and Stiles always leaves a coffee on the dresser for Derek when he gets up early for work. They have lazy Sundays where they’re lucky if they last five minutes before they crawl back into bed.

They meet for coffee when Stiles is on his lunch break. And when Stiles is exhausted after work he collapses on top of Derek and promises they can have sex later if Derek gives him a back rub. And Derek does because he’s whipped and he knows it.

They bicker about everything because making each other frustrated is far too amusing and life is better that way.

They Skype the pack who do nothing but make fun of them the entire time but Stiles holds Derek’s hand out of view of the camera so he doesn’t mind just laughing along.

They eat take-out together and Stiles always steals Derek’s curly fries and Derek always steals Stiles’ sweet and sour chicken.

Stiles takes stupid photos of Derek when he’s falling asleep or not paying attention and Derek will find them stuck up on the fridge the next day.

Derek holds Stiles when he cries at “Finding Nemo” because he knows it reminds him of him and his father. They’re stupidly, disgustingly domestic and Derek loves it.

*

Derek’s waiting for Stiles to come over for dinner when Erica calls.

“Hi boss!” she says cheerily.

“What’s up?” he holds the phone between his shoulder and ear as he sets the table.

“Nothing.” And that’s a lie if Derek ever heard one. 

“Erica, what is it?”

“Nothing,” she repeats. “We just miss you dummy.”

“Oh…Is everything okay with Scott?” He doesn’t doubt that Scott’s doing a fine job on his own but he still wants to make sure.

“Sure, Uncle Scott is so much more fun than Daddy Derek. He lets us have ice-cream before dinner.” He can hear the smirk in her voice.

“Erica,” he sighs.

“Oh my God Derek, we’re fine. This is just me acting as spokesperson for Boyd, Isaac and myself to say that we miss your stupid face.”

“Not Jackson?” he asks wryly.

“Oh he does. But he’s far too much of a man to admit that.” He can almost hear her rolling her eyes and he finds himself missing the pack so much, it’s overwhelming.

“Take your time but try to come home soon okay?” she says quietly. She clicks off before he can answer.

He starts packing as soon as he’s off the phone. Not everything because he still can’t face Laura’s room but he thinks he’d rather buy the whole apartment complex to get the landlord off his back instead of packing up all he has left of his sister. 

But he feels guilty for leaving the pack like this. They’re his responsibility and they need him. And honestly he needs them too.

Stiles arrives a little after seven, looking tired but happy and it hurts so much because Derek knows he’s about to ruin this. He’s going to ruin their relationship because he wants too many things and he can’t have them all.

“I have to go home,” Derek says wearily, not looking at the other boy.

“Why?” Stiles voice - and his expression, Derek notes when he looks up - is guarded.

“Because I have a life there and I can’t keep ignoring it. I need to get back to my job and the pack and-” Derek stops abruptly when he remembers that “you” is not included in Beacon Hills anymore.

Stiles is quiet. It used to surprise Derek when they first got together just how quiet Stiles really was. He always saw him as loud and chatty but the more he thought about it the more he realised that, yes, Stiles could talk but he only did when it was something worth saying. Derek supposes that being quiet right now is really all that needs to be said.

Stiles crosses the room with his head bowed. When he reaches Derek he looks at him for one overwhelming moment with those startling big brown eyes and then wraps his arms around him, burying his face in Derek’s neck. 

“I don’t want you to go…” Stiles whispers quietly against the skin of Derek’s shoulder.

Derek’s throat feels tight and he wonders how it came to this. How this boy that he once thought was annoying and overbearing had managed to work his way into Derek’s heart and claim it for his own. How six simple words from Stiles made Derek want to forget all his responsibilities and just curl up with him and hold him and maybe just stay there forever.

Instead he drops his hands to circle Stiles’ thighs and gently lifts him up so he can sit them both down on the bed. Stiles’ knees rest on either side of Derek’s lap but he still keeps his head buried. Derek just hugs back because he doesn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know it would hurt like this, didn’t know it  _could._

 _“_ You could come with me?” he murmurs, though he’s sure he already knows the answer.

Stiles pulls back and looks at him. He brings his hand up to skim his fingers across Derek’s cheek before letting them curl into his hair and smiles sadly. “You know how much I miss my dad and Scott and the others and you but…”

“But you have a life here the same way I have a life there,” Derek finishes for him.

Stiles nods mutely, keeping his eyes downcast. His hand that’s resting on Derek’s shoulder keeps playing with the hem of his collar.

Derek closes the distance between them just enough to press a kiss to Stiles’ jaw and Stiles’ eyes flit to his; bright and beautiful.

“It’s not forever,” he says gently, as much for his own benefit as Stiles’.

“It feels like it could be,” is the reply and Derek can hear the fear in Stiles’ voice. The fear that this is it. That no matter how much they want it, they’ll never get their chance. The fear that maybe they already did get their chance and they blew it.

And really, what can he say? He can’t disagree with Stiles because he knows he could be right - probably is right, to be honest - but, God, he wants nothing more than for him to be wrong right now.

Derek kisses his shoulder. Then his neck. Then his jaw. And his cheek. And his nose. And Stiles’ head is bowed enough for him to reach up and kiss his forehead. And finally he presses their lips together and he lets Stiles push him back so they’re lying down.

And they kiss. And they kiss again. And again. And sometimes they hold hands or let their fingers run through each other’s hair. And sometimes they just stare at each other or hold each other. And if sometimes Derek’s breath hitches or one of the tears in Stiles’ eyes manages to slip out, well, they don’t need to talk about it.

They don’t say “I love you” though. Because some things you just can’t say for fear of their power. Because there’s no going back from an “I love you”. So maybe if they don’t say it they can go back. Maybe they can pretend that the last five weeks were just a really nice dream that they had to wake up from.

Maybe. But probably not.

*

Derek leaves the next day and Stiles smiles and laughs and jokes on the way to the airport. When it’s time to say goodbye he tells him not to be too hard on the pack and to look after his dad and that he’ll try to squeeze in a visit before he has to go back to college.

And Derek scoffs and agrees and nods and when Stiles hugs him, he hugs back. He might hold on for a little longer than he should but he thinks that’s allowed.

Then Stiles laughs again and says, “Later, loser,” but Derek can see it all in his eyes. Five weeks of moments that made up for three years of silence. The smile falls off Stiles’ face but he nods and Derek nods back.

This isn’t forever.

*

The first thing he does when he gets home is visit Scott. He feels guilty that he didn’t check up on the pack more often while he was away but Scott brushes him off, says that everything was fine and that they all understand.

“Understand what exactly?” Derek asks, even if he’s almost positive he knows.

Scott just sighs and sits down next to Derek. They don’t have a lot of moments like this. Their friendship has come on leaps and bounds since they first met and Derek knows he trusts Scott with his life now and vice versa. They’re brothers. 

But even so, they don’t have deep, meaningful conversations about their feelings. Scott had warned Derek when he and Stiles had first gotten together, threatening to dismember him if he so much as hurt one little piece of Stiles’ heart. And Derek knew he meant it and he promised he wouldn’t. So Scott had nodded and then smiled his goofy smile and said he was happy for them.

“Everyone always thought you’d be the ones to last,” Scott answers gently.

Derek nods absently. The pack had said as much when they’d first learned of their break-up.

“You guys just worked y’know? Like it shouldn’t have. It should’ve been catastrophic but it was just…simple. No one realised it until you were together but you fit and it was good. You guys were good.”

Stiles used to talk about how Scott was never one for big speeches but that sometimes he could take everything you were feeling and just lay it out there, plain and simple. Derek thinks he might understand that now.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t fix it,” Scott continues gently. And wasn’t that just the worst part? They  _did_  fix it. This time was different because there had been no expectations, it had just been easy. It was fixed and it was perfect and it was all Derek ever wanted and he couldn’t have it.

You’re always told never to give up your life for love. That there are other things worth living for. And they were respecting that. They were young and they were doing what they wanted. But Derek couldn’t help but think, as he knew Stiles probably was, was it really worth it? Was there anything they could want more than they’d want each other?

“Thanks Scott.” He sounds resigned, even to himself, but he does mean it.

Scott smiles at him and squeezes his shoulder and tries to see Derek to the door. But Derek says he’ll let himself out. Scott smiles again like he knows.

Derek’s almost to the door when Allison appears at the stairs. She skips up to him quickly like she thinks if she moves fast enough Scott won’t hear her from the other room. She takes Derek’s hand and he feels the briefest pressure before she lets go.

He and Allison had had a rocky relationship until Stiles and forced them to talk and they realised they weren’t all that different. They were on the same wavelength now. She understands things the others can’t see.

Like when he became a recluse the first week Stiles left for college and she had showed up at the loft with a six pack of beer and just sat on the balcony with him and drank. No one else understood, not really. They’d already broken up and they weren’t mad at each other, hell, they weren’t even in love anymore. But Allison understood. She knew that the fact that they  _weren’t_  in love anymore was the thing that was killing him.

Moments like that were the things that always reminded him that even though Allison was related to Kate, even though she had that potential to give in to her dark side, she was never - and would never be - like her aunt. And he loved her for it.

*

The next person he sees is Sheriff Stilinski to tell him he’s back but he thinks he probably already knows. Still, he swings by the station before he goes home.

He’s greeted by Leslie at the front desk who smiles in surprise when she sees him. “Derek! I didn’t know you were back.”

“Just got in today actually,” he smiles at her because she’s the first person who hasn’t made his heart break in the last two days.

The Sheriff must’ve heard her because he comes out of his office and pins Derek with a look.

…And there goes his heart breaking again because the pity on the Sheriff’s face is actually painful to see.

“Derek,” he sounds sombre, “why don’t we talk in my office?”

*

“You okay kid?” They’ve been sitting in the office for five minutes and it’s the first thing the Sheriff’s said.

Derek only shrugs in response.

“You know it’s not like you’ll never see each other again? Stiles’ entire family is here. The whole pack left Beacon Hills for college but they all come back and they all will come back. Stiles is included in that.”

Derek always has so much admiration for the Sheriff. The way he’s taken everything in his stride the last few years is really incredible. He knows how proud Stiles is of him.

“Stiles, Lydia, Allison and Danny have a choice the others don’t. They’re not bound to the pack. Not technically anyway. They can leave whenever they want,” Derek says, not doing a great job at keeping the bitterness out of his voice,

The Sheriff surprises him by chuckling. Derek looks at him curiously. 

“Son, if you think any of them ever had a choice in this, you’re wrong. They’ll always come back because they have something to  _come back to_ ,” he says emphatically. “Give it time. Let Stiles finish college and take it from there.”

He wants so badly to believe him, wants more than anything to agree. But if he does and it turns out not to be true he doesn’t think he can handle that. So instead he thanks the Sheriff and goes home.

*

Stiles visits for three days at the end of August because he finally has enough extra money saved for a plane ticket and it’s probably the first time all summer that he’s had three days off in a row.

Derek is a nervous wreck the whole week leading up to it. He and Stiles have talked a lot since he went home and things haven’t been weird over the phone but seeing him in person is completely different.

Derek isn’t picking him up from the airport because he knows the Sheriff really misses Stiles and they want to spend some time together. So Derek is meeting him for dinner this evening…along with the rest of the pack.

He arrives at the Stilinski household with Isaac, Erica and Boyd. Erica doesn’t knock, just barges right in.

“Stilinski, if you don’t get your ass out here and hug me this instant I’m going to be so pissed,” she calls. Boyd rolls his eyes fondly and Isaac snorts. 

Derek hears Stiles’ laugh before he sees him. He emerges from the kitchen and grins at them all, his eyes holding Derek’s for just a second longer than they did everyone else. 

He sweeps Erica into his arms and she giggles. She always loses a bit of her toughness around Stiles. Derek likes her like that.

Isaac is the next to hug Stiles and Boyd claps him on the back affectionately before the betas migrate to the kitchen, leaving Stiles and Derek alone.

“So,” Stiles says, drawing out the word as he rocks on his heels.

Derek just looks at him. “Really?”

“Well, I don’t know what to say!” Stiles laughs but he seems to relax more. 

“How about “Hey Derek it’s really great to see you and I missed you”?” Derek asks casually, arching an eyebrow.

“I don’t sound like that,” Stiles says, affronted. “But I did miss you,” he adds with a grin.

“Good.” Derek smirks and walks past Stiles to the kitchen.

“Hey! This is the part where you say you missed me too!” Stiles calls after him.

*

Dinner’s nice. The Sheriff fires up the barbecue and it’s a warm enough night that they can stay outside for hours. For a while they can all pretend. They can pretend that the pack won’t be spreading out all over the country in a few weeks to go back to college. And Derek will be alone again save for the weekends that most of them come home.

It’s late and most of the pack has gone home so Stiles and Derek are alone. Sheriff Stilinski says goodnight, looks pointedly at Derek and heads upstairs.

Derek likes the Stilinskis’ back yard. He knows it’s kept in such good shape because Stiles’ mom used to love gardening so the Sheriff makes sure it stays the way she wanted it to. It feels homey and Derek’s never known a garden to feel like that but then again, everything about Stiles feels like that. 

It’s also where they had their first kiss. Right here on these steps. Because Stiles was babbling about the stars - and to this day, Derek’s not sure if it was his way of trying to be romantic or he was actually just trying to enlighten Derek about the sky - and Derek kissed him to shut him up. Stiles flailed and they bumped heads and Derek ended up laughing in spite of himself which just made Stiles eyes go really wide and reach over and kiss him again. 

Derek would kill to relive that moment right now but instead he sits in silence and feels the heat run along his left side as he’s pressed next to Stiles; shoulder to knee.

“What d’you wanna do?” Stiles asks quietly.

“Be with you,” Derek replies just as quietly.

Stiles kisses him and he feels everything. It’s everything they can’t say and everything they want to. It’s “I’m sorry I have to be on my own right now,” and “I’m sorry we’re separated by thousands of miles,” and “I’ll come back,” and “if I could keep you forever, I’d start right now,” and it’s “I love you”. It’s a promise and Derek’s going to hold on to it for as long as he can.

“It’s not forever,” Stiles whispers against his lips.

*

It takes two years but Stiles comes back. He shows up on Derek’s doorstep in the middle of the night with a suitcase in hand. When Derek opens the door he says, “I love you”, drops his suitcase and pulls Derek into a heart-stopping kiss.

A couple of hours pass where they lay tangled in bed, blissful and on the brink of sleep. With both of them lying on their sides they’re only a breath apart. 

“Are you sure?” is all Derek whispers.

Stiles smiles and takes Derek’s hand, pressing it over his rapidly beating heart. Derek could already hear it but feeling it is mesmerising. “You’re the only person that’s ever made my heart do that and I think I’d be pretty damn stupid to let you go again.” 

Derek doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the way Stiles looks at him; as though he hung the moon. 

He knows he’ll never understand how someone can look at him with that much love and he can only hope that Stiles sees the same thing when he looks at Derek.

Because maybe Stiles smiles like Derek hung the moon but he thinks it’s a fair trade since Stiles gave Derek a reason to smile again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I really struggled with the ending because I wasn't sure whether to make them end up together or not. Because I wasn't sure how they'd combine both their lives. But, quite frankly, I'm not that masochistic ;)
> 
> In case you're interested, though I doubt you are, you can find me on tumblr at [ allyasavedtheday](http://allyasavedtheday.tumblr.com/) :)


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